Jonas Johansson

What you need to know before you read this story:

1. What the fast food chain Subway is
2. I’m a heterosexual man

Yesterday I was supposed to meet up with some friends for a couple of drinks. I left my apartment pretty late, and as I was walking to the tram I was struck by this massive hunger attack. My belly started making these sounds, so I knew it wasn’t just farts.

When the tram got close to the city center I jumped off and let my nose guide me to the closest place where I could push food in the direction of my face. Bar, bar, museum, bar, bar, Subway! Perfect! I entered, and there was a queue so long it could have started back at my apartment. But my belly was determined to stay, so I did.

While waiting in the queue, I was wondering why the person in front of me choose to pierce her ears with something that looked exactly like a liver spot. Because her entire neck was filled with authentic liver spots already. I suppose it was a theme. Also, in Sweden, she’d have been a man. But who am I to judge? In Germany I’m a woman - which leads me to the main event of the night.

I was next up to the counter, so I took one step closer to the glass and looked up at the guy taking my order. He looked up at me as well. Time stopped. At least for him. He was shining up like this (why is she purple by the way?). Then he started making these nervous gestures and almost giggled like a schoolgirl. Oh dear, here we go again. I mean, he wasn’t looking too shabby. But again, I’m straight.

For those who don’t know how Subway works; the customer walks along the glass counter and answers questions about how they want their sandwich to be made, what bread, what ingredients and what sauce. The thing is, the guy who served me asked these questions… but he also took the liberty to inject a few personal questions.

Stranger: Where are you from?
Jonas: Sweden
Stranger: Sweden, huh. Nice. 

Stranger: Where do you live here?
Jonas: In the north area
Stranger: Ooh, cool. 

Stranger: What do you do?
Jonas: I work as a game programmer
Stranger: Respect.

Stranger: *almost whispering* pss whhssss pffsss
Jonas: Huh?
Stranger: wheesssss yyaooaa agaaaa
Jonas: Sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Stranger: When will I see you again?
Jonas: When you will see me again!!? *activates manly voice* Ehm, well, I guess I’ll come back some time. (It is a Subway after all.)

I went over to the counter and started digging for my wallet. He said “Here, take it!” and handed me the bag. “Take it? Really?”, I said. “Yeah, take it!”. And then I think he whispered this; “Come back tomorrow.”

It should be noted that I have nothing against gay people, it’s just that this keeps happening to me.

After leaving the place, walking towards the meeting point I was thinking to myself that the only way this night could’ve been any more gayer would’ve been if I ordered a sausage.